LOVE <3 LOVE <3

Saturday, August 12, 2006

to learn how to love, start to love your enemy.
im learning to love. i wouldnt say i love you and i wouldnt really consider that person my enemy. it just so happened that we just couldnt get along in the first place. i thought we could. cos our first encounter was quite okay. i dont know how it happened, but we just stopped talking. and we treated each other as if we were invisible. no hellos. no waves. not even a smile. and i know, i couldnt accept you as part of my life anymore. i dont even want the people around me to be close to you. and that includes the closest friend of mine. and we quarreled umpteen times because of you. and somehow, all these unhappy memories still clings on me like a leech.
u werent exactly the reason of all that had happened. you were just the surface of the problem, just an unfortunate spark that started off the fire. but actually, there were many hidden roots and reasons why we werent on agreement at that time. things were complicated then. and u had no choice but to be part of the complication. im glad that all that had been thrashed openly, but i dont think u know how bad it hurt, and how traumatic it was for me. i had to live with fear then, where yet another arguement awaits me when the previous one was still lingering around. it was terrible to carry on with life without being able to trust and live each day without faith. self comforting was a big part of my life when things werent right. well, it was quite sometime ago, so lets just forget about the details.
but now, as things get better, less complicated. i heard less and less of you. yet, i find my inner self wanting to know more about you. i wouldnt say im ready to accept you in my life once again, because of all the rather bad memories. i wouldnt dare to risk it. i just want to say that im sorry that it didnt work out in any way. i think i had deprived u a good chance of having a good acquaintance. but i guess there is nothing much i can do. im glad that at least we can put aside what we call the past. or at least im able to leave it behind. no doubt i will still be reminded at times. but at least i dont feel the intensiveness of my emotions anymore. its always nice when we exchanged smile and waves. but will we ever be more than a hi-bye friend? im not too sure.

shedded at 11:29 AM